Last week I talked about the difference between being nice and being kind and shared how being nice is really a trap. If you missed that email, you can find it here.

A big symptom of niceness is discomfort saying "no," even when you know it's what you should and truly want to do.

Let's face it, we've all had occasion to experience that dreaded situation when a friend, colleague, family member, client, or acquaintance makes us feel obligated to say "yes" to something we'd rather not.

But is there really a good way to say "no" so you’re not endlessly apologizing, feeling horribly guilty, owing someone a huge favor down the road, putting yourself at a significant personal or professional disadvantage, alienating people, or simply in the doghouse?

The truthful answer is: It depends.

Some people will always take a "no," no matter how gracious, as a personal rejection, and there is honestly nothing you can do about that.

For the vast majority of people and situations, however, there are ways to take the edge off your "no" that actually serve both your needs and theirs.

Here are some tips for developing your "no" abilities:

• Consider what's behind your "no." Is there a way to explain your reason without making it about the other person? Focus on the issue for you, i.e., your capacity, availability, etc.
  ​Be careful not to leave the door open to negotiation, i.e., "Ok, I'll just wait until you're free."
• Is there something else you are willing to do instead? I will often offer people an alternative way to help them that is less onerous and time-consuming for me but that also supports their needs.
  ​This is probably the most gracious way to say "no" because it's really saying, "Not that, but this."
• When someone asks you to do something for free that you get paid to do for others, often you simply need to educate or remind them about that fact.
  • You can also offer them a discount, but make sure they understand the full value of what you're doing.
    • If they still can't afford you, suggest a barter or trade. Is there something they can do for you personally or professionally or for someone in your life you care about that's of equal value to you?
  • If you'd really rather not work with them, then find someone to refer them to and explain that you would rather not mix business with friendship, family, etc.
• Most importantly, frame your response as if you are saying "no" to yourself — what message would be gracious and kind if you received it in response to a similar request of your own?

One thing you absolutely shouldn't do is simply ignore the request because you're uncomfortable saying "no."

It's far kinder to say "no" than to say nothing.

Plus, you never know when you'll be on the other end of that ask. Wouldn't you rather receive a gracious "no" than radio silence in return?

The thing to remember is that a "no" done well actually earns you respect and gratitude.

Whereas, a non-response or obligatory "yes" can breed resentment and hurt feelings, and even damage relationships.

Until next time, say "yes" to yourself by learning to say "no."

Your success is our strategy!